How to Live Without Health Insurance

When initially added to the rolls of the unemployed, I picked up the COBRA coverage from my former employer. It wasn’t a great plan, but with the federal subsidy, it cost less that $150.00 a month. I had to drop it recently, after the whole unemployment benefits issue became a political football and the subsidy expired. So, now I’m without any coverage, joining a host of others in a predicament similar to mine. We need to be careful, folks. Being destitute is one thing. Being destitute and at the mercy of the medical profession is another entirely.

Here are a few tips for keeping what little wealth you have left from the clutches of the healthcare money vacuum:

Don’t eat food– It’s a well-known fact that most gastrointestinal problems result from eating something. The only way to avoid stomach distress is to eliminate all solids from your diet. You can’t afford to eat out anymore, which is just as well when one considers that the people preparing and handling food in restaurants require reminding to wash their hands before leaving the bathroom. They need signs, for crying out loud, while half of them can’t even read English. Supermarket fare isn’t much safer. Forget chicken, pork and beef unless you’re suicidal. Even fresh fruit and vegetables pose a threat from pesticides and unsanitary handling and storage. Canned goods are also a bad idea, owing to the possibility of botulism. Stick to bullion and boiled water, with a lemon or lime on the side. Don’t worry; you have enough stored fat to keep things running until Obamacare kicks in. And remember to wash those hands!

Stay off the streets and sidewalks – You’re probably driving less now that you’re on the dole. Gas costs money, as does the normal wear and tear associated with pulling your car out of the driveway. God forbid you breakdown on the road; even a tire blowout presents a risk of injury, besides the added expense of repair. You’re better off walking, right? Wrong. Those people driving past you, distracted by cell phones and Blackberries, or with worry over possibly losing their jobs, constitute a major threat to your health. They’re not paying attention to the road that you’re walking along or across and nothing puts a body in traction quicker than an encounter with a wayward automobile. Sure, the movies frequently show guys walking away unscathed after getting rolled up a car roof, but that’s from the Wyle E. Coyote school of film. It doesn’t matter how carefully you proceed. If you’re not the Roadrunner, you’re potential road-kill. Stay in your house. If you must go out for supplies, take a route that minimizes your street presence. Make friends with a Native American and ask him to show you the sacred trails to the Seven-Eleven.

Don’t go to the bathroom – Most accidents occur in the home, and most of those inside the throne room. A tight space consisting of hard, wet surfaces equals enormous risk to the human skeleton. There’s also the risk of paper cuts from using that store brand TP, not to mention the danger of scalding hot water, if they haven’t turned that off yet. Use public parks to do your business (and take advantage of all the free pinecones) and forego bathing entirely for the duration of your employment exile. Licking yourself like a cat adds much-needed minerals missing from your altered diet and offers the added benefit of deterring those pesky neighbors from getting close enough to ask how the job hunt is going.

Stay away from hospitals – This should be a strict policy. No place is more dangerous, especially for a healthy visitor. For one thing, hospitals are full of sick people. You wouldn’t think to amble into the heart of a leper colony, but the only difference between that and a hospital is that the hospital offers a much wider variety of illnesses, most of which they can’t seem to cure. For those fans of irony, they appear to have a handle on leprosy. Another reason to stay away … my grandmother always used to say that a person went to the hospital to die. If that sounds a bit old-fashioned, I’ll amend it for modern ears: people go to the hospital to receive a death sentence. Just standing inside the space encourages depression, which creates a deleterious effect on physical health. Still another reason to stay out of hospitals is the possibility (however remote) of encountering an otherwise unoccupied physician. Doctors are kin to the hyena – they instinctively know how to find the weak individual and then gather in a white-coated pack to set upon that defenseless soul. Just give them the slightest hint of physiological dysfunction and, before you know it, you’ll find yourself trapped inside an MRI tunnel with the meter running.

Don’t get arrested – It is perfectly understandable that circumstances such as we are now facing might tempt a law-abiding citizen to embark on a criminal rampage. Don’t do it. Even experienced thieves get pinched. While the thought of three meals a day and a weekly shower, courtesy of the state, might seem an improvement over your current lot, consider these two things: the health horror described above regarding restaurants increases exponentially in a prison kitchen and the shower ritual is a group affair involving people with whom you wouldn’t share an elevator under normal conditions. It is true that prisoners are afforded medical care, but it is of the sparest kind and usually reserved for victims of the shiv.

I’m probably forgetting something. The key is to continue to survive in the face of adversity. The job market will recover eventually, even though the days seem to continue to dawn to dark skies. All things must pass. This, too, shall retreat into distant memory. Someday, our grandchildren will sit at our feet as we regale them with the stories of times without cable television or clean underwear, of Sunday dinners of chicken broth and a side of citrus. It’s our duty to remind them, as our grandparents reminded us with their stories of the Great Depression, that people are built to withstand anything that nature, or the Federal Reserve, can throw at them.





Abstract Invention by Charlie Accetta is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.