Wanted Dead or Alive: Osama Bin Laden

I’m not big into public polls.  I don’t believe in anonymous opinions; it’s too easy to hide behind the cloak of obscure screen names and spout off without considering our own reflections in the process.  Still, if we were to poll Americans regarding a certain Al Qaida leader, I’m fairly confident the numbers in favor of whacking the face of terrorism would easily score in the 99th percentile.  For that reason alone, I seriously doubt we will see a headline describing the death of Osama Bin Laden any time soon.  It comes down to Marketing 101.  It’s easier to sell something demonizing to the public when a face is available to represent the pitch.  The chickens had Colonel Sanders.  The cows had Dave Thomas and Ronald McDonald.  We have Osama.  He’s perfect for the role.

In truth, the person who was Osama Bin Laden is already dead.  Seriously, do you really believe, with all of our technology, that we could miss a gangly, robed and hillbilly-bearded miscreant bumbling through the mountains?  That’s hardly likely.  Either the Predators or the bunker-busters or kidney failure got him long ago … in body, anyway.  His spirit lives on, thanks to the ongoing needs of both sides.  For the United States, having that horse-faced terrorist lurking about satisfies the requirement for a palpable physical threat.  Removing him prematurely from this particular reality show would serve no purpose except to diminish our interest.  For the terrorists, they too have a need for representation and the continued survival, against all odds, of the Terrorist-In-Chief provides a rallying point for their cause.  They already have an unending list of martyrs; Osama’s attraction lay in his seeming ability to elude capture.  It’s inspiring for those people at war with the Infidels.

You may ask why Saddam Hussein wasn’t afforded the same courtesy.  The answer is, because we already had the Bin Laden character, plus the fact that Iraq, unlike the general war on terrorism, demanded a strategic response to the Sunni uprising.  Killing off Saddam was determined to provide a stifling effect to the deposed sect.  It didn’t work out that way, but the premise was valid.  Consider also that keeping too many ghosts alive becomes a chore in itself.  The CIA is good, but managing such a complex web of lies is daunting even for them.

So, how does this work?  After all, don’t we receive periodic messages, through the Arab news services, from Bin Laden?  Heck, he’s probably days away from creating a Twitter account, though FaceBook may not be an option, due to its confounding Terms and Conditions.  To put this in perspective, think in terms of The Princess Bride.  Within the tale, we’re presented with the legend of the Dread Pirate Roberts.  As explained in the story, the Dread Pirate Roberts is a franchise.  When one Roberts has accumulated enough booty, he selects a person to replace him and, after eliminating the ship’s crew and replacing it, serves as First Mate on the subsequent cruise and refers to the new man as Roberts.  And so, the lineage and person of the Dread Pirate Roberts continues, long after the perils of age and conflict would find a normal man dead.  It’s the same with our friend Osama.  The importance of the legend demands that he be kept alive.

I fully expect the scoffers among you to scoff.  I have no proof for any of this, other than the twin gifts of common sense and uncommon logic.  Even those fail me at times, but consider this – similar to opinion polls, I’m not a believer in conspiracy theories, unless some obviously greater purpose is served by the conspiracy.  I’m hard-pressed to come up with a reason why the death of Osama Bin Laden would be welcomed by the leadership of either side of the conflict.  Any benefit would be short-term in nature, while his continuing presence allows all of us to point to a person, rather than a principle, to embody our hate or devotion.  Osama Bin Laden has reached iconic status, no less than Colonel Sanders, though I can’t picture seeing the term “It’s finger-licking good” set below a Bin Laden portrait.  Some marketing sharpie needs to work on a good catch-phrase for the franchise.  If you have any negative suggestions, contact the CIA.  For positive entries, wait for the Tweet.